


... Without Ever Having Felt Sorry For Itself

by actuallyTee (deanwin)



Category: Wolf 359 (Radio)
Genre: (I'm sorry I promise I'll do a fix-it one day), Angst, Canon Compliant, Complicated Relationships, Gen, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Post-Finale, oh boy i think this might be multiple chapters
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-22
Updated: 2018-01-22
Packaged: 2019-03-08 07:36:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13453509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deanwin/pseuds/actuallyTee
Summary: Seven and a half light years is going to be a long ride home. Jacobi learns the truth and reminisces.





	... Without Ever Having Felt Sorry For Itself

**Author's Note:**

> All aboard the angst-express my dudes! I have no idea where we're precisely headed, but I'm looking forward to finding out with y'all! I honestly just really needed to deal with my fucking feelings about Wolf and also life in general so now I will apparently write a multi-chapter exploration of How Bad Jacobi Feels

 

_I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself._

-D. H. Lawrence

 

***

When Hera tries to talk to him, Jacobi ignores her at first. They're still reeling from barely having escaped certain death, half the crew is in some shape or form incapacitated,  _Pryce_ is there, they have no idea what to expect back on Earth if they even make it back, so Jacobi had felt quite justified in postponing  _that_ conversation.  _Compartmentalizing._ But, as all good things do, his ability to use his work as an excuse came to an end. Minkowski had woken up yesterday (well, yester-whatever qualifies as a day while hurtling through space), Eiffel-no,  _Doug_ was slowly getting the hang of things and trying his hardest to help.

Their journey home has actually started to look hopeful under Lovelace's watchful eyes and command. Jacobi  _hates_ it _._ It's not that he dislikes not constantly fearing for his life, although, to be perfectly frank, he's not used to it and it's  _weird_ and part of him actually does kind of hate that part, too.

But what he really hates is the overall atmosphere. Even when she's quiet, Hera seems to be vibrating with the desire to talk to him. Jacobi doesn't miss the cautiously sympathetic looks from Lovelace, he is simply resolute in his decision to ignore them, ideally until they land on Earth and he disappears for a few months.

He has affairs to settle, after all. There's a list in his head, if you can call three items a "list." 

 _Bury her. Handle their affairs. Payback._ Sure, every item on the list has pages of invisible footnotes. Things that go into consideration, but that he can't acknowledge, not even to himself. Not yet. 

***

Item One: _Bury her._ There's nothing  _to_ bury, of course. They did that already. Alana's will isn't helpful either, even though he knows it by heart. After all, they had composed them together, after Kepler had been hounding them for months, because "-it is standard protocol for SI-5 agents, so for the last time,  _do it_ or I will forge both your signatures and give everything to Maxwell's parents." So they had wills, leaving all their earthly possessions to each other.

It had been a joke back then. They had laughed through half the night, the idea of a world where only  _one_ of them survived so ridiculous they never really entertained it. No, the real point of their wills was the second paragraph, dictating that, when they were both dead, all incriminating evidence be destroyed, potentially useful discoveries spread, and material goods sold off and the proceeds given to charity. Neither of them was struggling for money, so they had figured that would be one stereotypically  _good_ thing they could do with their lives... well, deaths. But now Jacobi had to deal with her will, written over the course of a rosé fueled night, the one paragraph he never took seriously being the only part that actually applied.

So he has to bury her. The memory of her. Finally, truly dig out the mental lockbox he had designated for all the space-trauma he had amassed, and deal with it. Stop compartmentalizing, possibly have a good old-fashioned breakdown and really let the truth sink in. His best friend is dead. The one person in his life he was ever able to say he loved with absolute certainty, gone. The one part of his life that was uncomplicated, and  _good_ despite the kind of people they were, over. This was never part of the deal. 

The footnotes for Item One would be in crosshatch, taking up the entirety of the page, from the first word on.

  

> _*Not bury.  Nothing to bury here. *Her? Only her? There is more. You can't accept there's more. One is too many. Two is unbearable.  
>  *Two is /complicated/ and you've been dealing with complicated all your life so why would you have the right to anything else now? You should bury him. Say goodbye, the way you will say goodbye to her. Goodbye to her will break you. Goodbye to him is complicated. You can't deal with complicated right now. He won't resent you for skipping him in this part. He can't resent anything anymore. You should say goodbye-   
>  *_ _Item One is the hardest one for a reason. Anything you have to do after Item One will be easy. There's instructions for everything after Item One. Once you do Item One you will be able to deal with the rest, but you will need the help of whatever God doesn't exist to get through Item One, even this simplified version._  
>  _*Exercise Caution When Dealing With Item One: It Might  Be The Thing To Finally Kill You._  
>  _*Once you are finished with Item One all you have to deal with is bureaucracy.  Liquidating assets, disassembling giant corporations brick by brick. Easy admin stuff._  
>  _*Are you sure you want the simplified version of Item One?_  
>  _*Item One Lite might be easier in the short term, but please consult your physician before repressing your feelings for even longer than you already have been._

Jacobi has three things he has to do. If he repeats the number enough he can actually believe it's easy to do. Three things to focus on.  
Three things to resolutely not question any further, not until he is safe. Daniel Jacobi has only ever felt safe for maybe three days in his life. He doesn't particularly long for the feeling, nor does he ever want to be forced to think about the footnotes that are tacked onto everything he does. Safe is a luxury he doesn't need nor want.

***

So, when Hera tries to talk to him, to provide information, solace,  _footnotes,_ he ignores her.

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry the chapter ended this abruptly, I do intend on continuing this thing but I straight up just free-typed this over an hour, barely edited and then hit a wall/ realized I should really be revising for my exams instead of writing angsty wolf 359 fic.
> 
> Yell at me on tumblr @failedfinals, twitter @actualytee or hunt me down in actual real life and force me to either finish a goddamn fanfic in my life or study for my impending exams.


End file.
